At Summit, JD just finished going through the 10 commandments and teaching on what each commandment tells us about the condition of our hearts. His kind of overarching point was that at the heart of every commandment is idolatry. For example, we break the 9th commandment, do not lie, because we value people's opinions of us more than honesty and we stretch the truth to make ourselves look better in people's eyes. You get the point. So in my small group we've been talking more intimately about our personal idols and what this looks like in our lives. Idolatry is something that has been on my mind for about the past year and something that I've been really trying to work on, and of course, since I'm trying to work on it, its become so clear to me how deep these idols run and just how many I have in my life and I want to share what I've been finding.
About this time last year, I began to really question some things in my life. I don't remember what lead to me thinking so much about it, probably JD or something, but I really began to search my heart for idols. I didn't have to look far.
I'm a girl. And as such, I have very girlie dreams about a lot of things. I'm not your average UNC girl, planning out her career and how to get as many PhDs in the least amount of time, not that there is anything wrong with that. God made us smart for a reason and if that's the path that you are on, you have my prayers. But I'm not one of you. I'm going to college, but that's it, as of now I have no plans for grad school and definitely not beyond that. In all honesty, I want to get married, have kids, and basically be a 1950s housewife. That would be my dream.
But what if that's not God's plan for me?
As I've mentioned already on my blog and will talk about a lot more in the future, I'm going to India. God told me 2 years ago to throw out all my old plans and I was going to go to India and teach orphans about Him. And I said ok. I fought it some, tried to work around it, but in the end, I said ok, like I really had a choice. And I have never regretted it. I love India with all my heart. My friends get sick of me talking about India. You will get sick of me talking about India. I wake up and it is one of the first things that I think about (because I have pictures EVERYWHERE).
But, what if my love for India interferes with my desire to be married?
What if I don't find that guy who wants to spend the rest of his life in a foreign country, that as wonderful as I think it is, is very different and will be very hard to live in?
What if God is asking me to be single for the rest of my life?
What if I never get to be a mother?
(I warned you that this was going to be personal haha)
What if all that I ever thought that I would want, I never get?
Will God be enough for me?
This is the realization that I reached last fall.-- no
I want all those things. I was lonely. I had never had a boyfriend and I longed to be loved and cared for in a way that only that special person can do. I dreamed about the boy that I would meet in class or at Cornerstone who would be perfect. I saw people around me holding hands and falling in love (my roommate included) and I felt like I was missing something. And I realized that if God never gave me that boy than I would never be satisfied.
JD always says that idols are good things that become god things and then are bad things. That's what I had done, let the idea of a boyfriend and romance become the most important thing to me.
I don't really know what to tell you of how I overcame this idol in my life. I think that just realizing it is a huge thing. Now when I start to feel that way again, I know that it is a return of my idol and know that I need to be praying and relying on God even more. And that's really all that I could do. For months, I prayed that God would take away my idol and fill me with comfort. I prayed that I would find my worth in him, not in guys. I know that's not the ideal answer, it wasn't for me either. I wanted a 12-step program to no idols, a list of things that I could do, but there isn't one. It's like JD says, we have to see God rightly and then everything else will fall into place.
I can tell you one thing that I did do and I would suggest for anyone struggling with this. I cut down on the romantic crap that fills our tvs, movies, and books. This was not easy and I didn't cut them completely out. But there were definitely nights when I would sit down and flip through the channels and would land on the Notebook or something and begin to watch and my heart would be filled with the a longing for romance like that, so I would turn it off. And I love that movie and all of his books, I own most of them. But we have to really ask ourselves if its healthy to fill our minds and hearts with that stuff. If its something that we already fixate on in real life, is it good to be obsessed with it in what we read and watch as well? Now, don't take this to be me saying that we shouldn't watch or read anything with the slightest bit of romance in it, because I still do. I enjoy a good Nicholas Sparks book at the beach, what I'm saying is, if its causing you to stumble than get rid of it. And also, question the expectations that those things are giving you. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "I want a boy just like Edward Cullen!" Well, guess what? He doesn't exist and by fixating on the idea of the "perfect boy," we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction and heart-break. (sorry for the tangent, I really hate what Twilight has done to girls, but I'm not going to be self-righteous, because I was swept up in the ridiculousness to and I'm so glad to have woken up from it haha)
This is something that I still deal with a lot. It's a day-by-day thing and some days are harder than others. But, I can honestly say now, that even though the thought of never getting married and having to move to the other side of the world all alone terrifies me to the very core, God is the only thing that I need and as long as I have Him, I will be complete. And I may be scared, but that will not stop me from doing what He asks of me. This isn't something that I could have said a year ago.
Sorry that was so long, but I wanted to share. Unfortunately, this is not the only idol in my life and I will be back soon with the next part to tell you of the next idol that has creeped into my life. I hope that this is helpful for things that you are going through, please feel free to ask me anything. I clearly have no more secrets about this haha.
I want to end with a quote that I'm stealing from a friend's Facebook status.
Good post, Laura. I wish I had learned some of those hard lessons about idols in college. I'm still learning them now!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely reread this a couple times. SO, SO good. I too wish I had learned even a bit of this before the first few years of my marriage! Bc let me tell you, when you are actually married and you realize you aren't okay with being married to this guy if he stays this way for the rest of your life bc you expect MORE, that is lonely and scary. At least you had some (wrong) idea that somebody could fix it one day! Love you and the post!
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