Thoughts on being home again

I have looked through the pictures about 10 times.

I listen to the music that we sang with the kids (including some awesome songs in Hindi).

I have talked about it some, but I know that with time, the stories will come and I will share more. I always talk about my trips gradually, not all at once.

What I haven't done is write and that is what I need to do the most. Because writing is how I think now.

I miss India, a lot. I miss my kids.

In some ways, this time returning has been the hardest yet. The trip was so short that I by the time I was back adjusted to India and loving it there, it was time to go.

I had to leave before I was beginning to miss friends and family back home, so now all I was left with was the pain of leaving the ones I love in India without the joy of seeing people that I was missing in America. (Not that I didn't miss people, but I wasn't even gone 2 full weeks).

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, I am so so grateful for the trip that I was able to go on. It was a huge blessing from God. He provided the opportunity and the funding. Completely blew my mind with his provision, not just for me, but for my team members.

I had fully accepted that I would not return to India this summer and then God opened up this door. It was more than I could have asked for.

But leaving is always hard.

And the year stretching out in front of me until i get to return looks very long.

I miss my girls. I miss the boys that I am getting to know. I miss laughing at my terrible Hindi. I miss having chai. I even miss the heat.

God is good. He knows that plan that he has for me and these children. He knows when I will be able to see them again. It may be next summer, for all I know, it could be sooner. I have found that He likes to surprise us when we least expect it.

As it stands now, I may be able to return next summer and when I go back, I may be staying for 6 months. Nothing is set in stone, but R and I are talking about it.

The opportunity to go and stay for 6 months so soon after I graduate blows my mind. I have often said that if everything went my way, I would get on a plane the day after graduation, but that that would not likely happen. Well, now it may.

As I said, nothing is set in stone. I have a lot of praying to do. I do not want to do anything out of the will of God.

All that is to say, that while the year in front of me looks very long, I am begging God to show me how to cherish this final year. For all I know, this could be my last year permanently here in Durham/Chapel Hill. That blows my mind and terrifies me while it excites me.

I want to love this year, not wish it away. I want to cherish the time that i have with the precious little ones that I love here. As much as I miss Rani and my girls in India right now, I will miss the kids here just as much.

Even if I don't leave for India right away, at the end of this year, all of my college friends will scatter. Our friendships will change and adjust. I will miss them all very much. (I am terrified of being a senior, but that is different post for another day).

I am sad to have left India. I always want more time with the kids there and my friends. I am to the point where I feel like I have actual relationships with the people there (not just the little girls) and I miss those people. There are many things about the culture that baffle me, yet there are so many things that I miss.

I would give almost anything to be going to evening prayer with the kids.

But God wants me here. Its not my time to go yet. And so I am begging him to keep me content. And asking him to help me cherish my time here.